How does Superman measure up to today’s standards?

I am not entirely sure that he can or should. Space Invaders was a great game during its time of reign. So was Superman. Today, people wouldn’t even touch Space Invaders even as a cellphone game. Yet, regardless of age, era or weather conditions, people still worship our spandexed, cape dragging super hero who doesn’t even have the humility to remove that big fat S from his rather goofy looking costume.

Let’s have a brief and very abridged look at Superman and his history. Early versions depict him as great depression savior, fighting crime that was relevant to the period that Superman was drawn in. The character was exaggerated which most likely fit the times during which he was created. Superman was and is perfect. He is hansom, he has no character flaws, he is invulnerable and has a wide range of powers that could only spring from the minds of people who needed something outrageously heroic and superhuman. Something awesome enough, not even reason would prevent them from creating something that was so flawless it couldn’t possibly relate to anything remotely human.

Let’s skip on the issue of Superman being a purely religiously inspired character and the fact that his mere name sparked heavy debate on two ends. Not only is Kal-El Talmudic or biblical Hebrew and freely translates into “Vessel of God”, the name Superman by itself lets Nietzsche enthusiasts grimace in discomfort. Whether this all results in a badly named character should stay open for debate. Not here, though. The name is horrible. It reeks of talentless, unimaginative drivel that is aimed to amaze instead of provoke. Provocation is what gets our minds going while dumbfounded amazement paralyzes.

Nietzsche envisioned the Übermensch (Superman) as a man who had transcended the limitations of society, religion, and conventional morality while still being fundamentally human. Superman, although an alien gifted with incredible powers, chooses to honor human moral codes and social mores. Nietzsche envisioned the perfect man as being beyond moral codes; Siegel and Shuster envisioned the perfect man as holding himself to a higher standard of adherence to them. - Lawrence, John Shelton (March 2006). “Book Reviews: The Gospel According to Superheroes: Religion and Popular Culture

So why name him that way? Why oh why, dear cape waving supporters of religiously inspired conquest and creators of Good vs. Evil, AKA the thieves and plagiarizers of ancient Egyptian religion?

The answer is simple: Superman embodies the American Spirit. Forget analogies to the Golem of ancient times that came to save and protect the Jews of 16th century Prague. Visit the Wikipedia article to see with your own eyes how many analogies are attributed to this character. All drivel. Superman embodies Judaeo-Christian moral values and acts upon them to fight what is obviously Evil. In Superman’s world there is only the Good versus the Bad. The constant struggle with the forces of Evil. And in comes Superman to save the day. And he always wins. He never loses. Spare me the details of what happened to him at certain points of all the convoluted, clusterfucked, million time retconned and rewritten, refined and politically correctness adjusted stories. In the end, Superman pwnzorz the evil Terrori… err guys.

Well, shouldn’t it be that way? Good shall prevail over Evil. The Light shall conquer the Dark. That’s how we want to see our world in the future. Superman kicks their butt and they learned their lesson. Thats why we create superheroes, afterall. That is their single purpose. Let me tell you, that is some mighty big crock of shit. We live in times where our ”elected” leaders are busy forming a One World Government, where outdated, stolen and beautifully packaged Judaeo-Christian values are shoved down our throats in order to justify the next big, lucrative war. We live in a world where RFID chips will record how soft your feces are on any given morning and where a pea-brained douchebag in a suit is allowed to rule the biggest and most terrifying super power in the world. In the name of the Lord their savior, of course. How can Superman still be the greatest hero of all times when that is the world you live in?

Superman is the posterboy for a shiny, happy future where all the wrongs are purged by the iron fist of the hansom savior. Superman is like Ronald McDonald - Feeding you shit and still smiling. While a rotten pack of chicken nuggets will quickly tell me that something is awry, Superman does not make it that easy on me. Superman is flawless. Only some Kryptonite can hurt him. Of course thats pretty rare stuff. So, you know, just forget about it. Thats just used to make Superman a deeper character. I laugh.

A good character has flaws. Flaws can add depth and humanity to the characters in a narrative. But how does Kryptonite add depth and humanity to Superman? You call that a flaw? That’s laughable. Superman is so clean, so perfect, so flawless, the world should be scared of him. Nevertheless, the world still loves this guy. Well, at least those that watch Fox News and believe that the US is fighting a righteous war against the forces of evil. Hmm, but liberals can love Superman, too. Perhaps Ron Paul does, too. Yes. Nobody is perfect.

What does my ranting come down to in the end? Superman sucks. He doesn’t fit into today’s time. A hero isn’t perfect. A hero is conflicting. A hero stands alone by himself, overcoming his flaws in honest self sacrifice and serves only the greater interest. A character like Superman, who so closely resembles the false and mass controlling values of our leader’s world can’t possibly be today’s representative of Superheroes. It’s those twisted and bigotten values that are causing all our troubles. Self-empowerment is obsolete with him. Superman and Karl Rove will take care of the bad guys. I am sure Karl would look great in speedos and a gimp mask. Perhaps they can add a threat level display to Superman’s cape?

Let me introduce someone to you who would do a much better job at heroism:

Fuckwit is a mentally retarded version of Superman in the Wanted series.

Fuckwit was part of an experiment to create the perfect superman. His body was a success, he has amazing powers; his mind however leaves something to be desired. He’s like a little puppy, friendly, loyal and loves you more than anything, but he’s so dumb that he’d try to shake your hand and accidently rip it off, then go along like nothing happened. What if the most powerful man in the universe had brain damage? He’d be a Fuckwit, wouldn’t he?

Want to know about Superman’s retarded quasi-doppelganger that isn’t Bizarro? No, Bizarro wasn’t retarded. The people who came up with the concept of Bizarro were, though. I am talking about something much cooler. An unwilling super villain with Superman’s powers. And guess what, his name isn’t even as pretentious as that of our Kryptonian spandex hero.

Prepare yourselves for

Fuckwit!

Coming to this blog soon.

P.S - There isn’t a single picture of this character on the entire internet. I searched every google images term possibly connected to Fuckwit. I looked on every notable comics site. Nothing. In the end I took my own copy of the comic and scanned the picture in. I guess this is the first and, for now, only picture of the awesome Fuckwit on the entire internet.

Tomorrow I’ll have an article on this guy for you. You’ll learn why Fuckwit is so awesome and Superman so lame.

I want more of this. A lot more. I have been sitting on the first issue of this comic line for months, now. It is time to expand on that. Soon. Forget it. I had all issues, already. In one big combined issue. Still, I wish Millar would make another one. :/

Right. So who’s excited about the new Batman movie coming in 2008?

Alright, alright. Please, calm down. Save the excitement for later. DC Comics were never my favorite publisher and most of their stories are, until today, dated in style and fit perfectly into the 60’s mindset of heroes and villains. Save for Vertigo most of DC’s accomplishments are just cheesy and clusterfucked products. I know that some DC fans may demand extrapolation at this point.

“Cytizen! Explain yourself! This be blasphemous and sheer slander.” upong which I would answer “Nay! Screw you!”

All I have to say in my defense is that Robin sucked and Superman shouldn’t be wearing spandex in this most horrible blue/red/yellow combination. And please note that in Watchmen they give a very clear and convincing example of why super heroes should not wear capes. You might get stuck somewhere and end up shot because you couldn’t get away. Notice how Superman’s cape rarely ever gets damaged? A cape that strong … man if that gets stuck somewhere, Superman’s in real trouble. Oh wait … DC made a hero that’s invincible and god-like and survives every attemp on his life - even when dropping a Kryptonite bomb on his silly, waxed and shiny hair.

I admit that Hollywood has been working hard to make Batman look as dark and foreboding as they possibly could in the last installment of the movie. And I also admit that Tim Burton did a respectable job in the first Batman movie. I will not argue against it. Afterall I really respect Christian Bale as an actor and who didn’t like Jack Nicholson as the Joker back in 1989? What happened in between those two movies, though? Every single Batman movie made between the first one and Batman Begins was an absolute disaster. I am sure fans of Batman will agree. I have some bad news, though.

Those horrible, horrible movies made with Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze or Jim Carrey as the Riddler? Those movies represented the old Batman comics best. Cheesy and obnoxious. Very american. And don’t even get me started on Robin. Did you ever want to see a super hero who keeps a gimp as a sidekick? Well, there you have it. Robin is the gimp from Pulp Fiction. Batman probably had enough of him after some time and kicked him out on the streets. The only one sick or kind enough to employ him was Quentin Tarrantino. When he saw how lame Robin really was, he plaved a zipper over his Zorro mask, stuffed a red ball in his mouth and locked him inside a box.

Enough of the ranting, though. Let me get to one character, besides the awesome Joker who is in close competition with Marvel’s Kingpin for most ridiculously awesome super villain, who truely rocks my socks. Harvey Dent - AKA Two-Face.

Please, forget Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face from Batman Forever. That was just pathetic. Read the linked Wikipedia article on Two-Face and let’s all hope that he’ll be well implemented in the upcoming Dark Knight movie. I want to see that scratched coin flip. I want to see a believable super villain that makes me feel the dual nature of his personality. I want to see the apparent conflict between the law abiding man of justice and the bitter, distorted villain.

So what is it that I want from the upcoming movie?

I want an even darker Batman than the one from Batman Begins. I want a believable Joker, though I wish they had tried to get Jack Nicholson back for the role. I want a mean, nasty and yet totally unfunny Two-Face. And I want a movie that is so far removed from the previous ones that nobody will even consider the option that Batman was ever part of the Justice League.

Justice League, you ask? Whats wrong with it, you ask?

That.

Do you like super hero stories? Have you seen any of the Spider Man movies, recently? Or perhaps the incredible Hulk? In 2008 we can expect a live acting version of Ironman. All these are super heroes. Derived from comic books and thrown on screen with gigantic budgets and lots of advertisement. Whatever happened to new ideas, though? Whatever happened to subtlety and originality? Why does it always have to be some guy in tights? Why always someone who can lift cars, can fly or can perform some other form of horribly blatant, mind-blowing super power that would make entire city centers clear and run away in fear?

I must admit, there has been one movie in which the Marvel-sponsored super hero was of the more subtle kind. The Punisher was a movie I really enjoyed. Viewers didn’t have to deal with tights in funky colors, silly masks and outrageous powers. Viewers were even spared the rather insulting level of shallow character depth. In most super hero movies, a hero’s problems are reduced to a tragic love or the crux of their powers. Superman had his kryptonite, Spiderman had Mary Jane, the Hulk had green skin and a temper problem.

Don’t misunderstand. I love these characters. In their comic book versions they are deep and well developed characters with a whole life story behind them. On screen, however, they are shallow clowns in silly costumes. Have there been other movies that didn’t follow the cliche of standard Hollywood adaptations? Of course! Unbreakable was one of the best super hero movies I have ever seen and I wish more of this found its way onto silver-screens world-wide.

I propose my own super hero, Severin, as the next big star. Hah!

I admit, I haven’t been keeping busy with the story. It’s time to reveal some things. It’s time for a new episode.

Meanwhile, I’ll be waiting for the Transformers movie. At least they don’t have baby faces and they don’t wear capes. Capes. What a silly thing to wear. In the Watchmen comic book series, one of the heroes died because his cape got stuck and was subsequently killed. Serves them right.